I've always wanted kids. Motherhood was never a question for me but a fact. I remember as a child thinking that if I was not married by the time I was 30 I would go out and adopt a child. I obviously thought 30 was old...oh the things I could tell my young self, starting with "30 is NOT OLD!".
But sometimes when I look around I wish I didn't wish.
Like that time when you look at a friend's new kitchen and think that 'The only time I will ever get cabinets that colour if the little men spill their stewed dates all over them'.
Like that time when a dear friend is getting married in another province and you just can't come up with the money while on mat leave, let alone fly and go to a wedding with a new nursing babe alone.
Like the time that you watch people leave the gym and remember when you used to have muscles, was free to leave the house at 6am to go workout and was not so sleep deprived that you also had the will power to go.
Like the time you look around your house and realize that it will never ever ever ever be tidy or clean unless you are home alone with no kids for a week - maybe just maybe that will get it back to the pre-kid state.
Like when you watch others going on holidays, going out to nice dinners and wearing a wardrobe that is not determined by how well it will camouflage baby food spray and think, remember when...
Like when I came up from doing ANOTHER load of laundry to find the Little Man's arms wrapped tight around his dads neck with love radiating from his face. I know this should have made me warm and fuzzy, but this day it made me see green.
WHY NOT ME?!?
why?
Then that little 2 year old arm reaches out for a hug. How did he know? "Momma sad?" he asks. Followed by "Make Momma happy" and gives me a big hug.
Oh right...silly me. THAT is why I wanted kids. I wanted to get to love someone unconditionally and show them the world. Little did I know how much they would show me.
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